As our world has become increasingly polarized in recent years, I have been trying to figure out how we get out of the quagmire that continues to divide us. I have come to believe that one of the most difficult—and necessary—steps is finding the courage to truly listen to those whose experiences and beliefs differ from our own. Whether these divisions are cultural, religious, generational, or political, too many people are retreating into echo chambers which reinforce their values and beliefs. As an interculturalist, my work is to help bridge these gaps, to gently prod people to step to the perimeter of their worldview, to explore different perspectives, and to bravely choose to be vulnerable—even when doing so feels uncomfortable—to promote dialogue for understanding. However, to do this, we have to be willing to listen.
How we listen is very culturally-derived. In low-context cultures, such as the U.S. or Germany, we tend to pay attention to clear, succinct and explicit messages. In high-context cultures, such as those in the Middle East or East Asia, messages are implicit and rely on the tone, non-verbal cues, and the ability to read between the lines to what is not being said. When high and low-context people communicate, misunderstandings occur. Think for example of a time where you have gone back and forth with a colleague seeking clarity on what they said. After a flurry of emails, perhaps you are confused or frustrated and still unable to have a clear response. Or perhaps, a colleague unintentionally insulted you when she provided very direct and honest feedback.
When these situations occur, the natural response is to judge and perhaps even avoid the other person. Which brings us to our global dilemma today where too many people have closed themselves off to listening to others. In recent months, I have started to facilitate Listening Circles in my humble attempt to bring people together across the seemingly insurmountable divides we are facing in the U.S. and abroad. Listening Circles are rooted in indigenous traditions globally to provide a structured and safe space where people can share their experiences and listen to each other without judgment or interruption. The intention is not to erase different viewpoints, nor to try to convince someone of your own. Rather it is to listen empathically for understanding, shift our paradigm, and perhaps discover small nuggets of commonality. Each time I have facilitated these sessions, I have been pleasantly surprised by the openness, the vulnerability, and the courage to share from the heart and engage, even during moments of discomfort. And with each session, I become more optimistic that despite the diversity of cultures and countries, races and ethnicities, religions, generations, or political inclinations, attendees have been willing to stay present, listen and engage, all the more so when their beliefs are challenged and they are outside their comfort zone. These give me hope that the desire to connect runs deeper than the forces trying to keep us divided.
I’ve learned some lessons and best practices in this journey that will hopefully allow me, and others who wish to engage across differences, to enhance the experience and accomplish the goal in bringing together people.
- Establish clear ground rules of engagement and be sure to emphasize them during the session. Stress the importance of putting on cameras, even if they don’t intend to speak and prefer to just listen. Creating a psychologically safe environment is critical to boost the willingness to share.
- Start with a mindfulness exercise for participants to center themselves if they hear something that contradicts their experience or worldview, particularly if their natural instinct is to respond. Remind them to take deep breathes to defuse any strong emotions that arise.
- Create boundaries and communicate consequences for unwanted or disrespectful behavior that threatens the safe space. In one of my early sessions, I was Zoom bombed with a vulgarity and immediately removed the person from the session.
- Choose a neutral topic for sharing and check your own biases to ensure the wording invites inclusiveness and supports shared concerns (i.e. “what is the world you wish to leave your children?”)
- Remind people that the focus is not to express disagreement, or even agreement, but rather to simply validate the speaker’s feelings. This reinforces the dignity and integrity of the speaker’s belief and communicates that you are there to understand them, not to judge.
- Bring closure to each session, allowing people to share their take-aways and be sure to respond to any strong emotional reactions they may have experienced. Recommend that they take a few minutes before jumping into the next activity for any self-care and to integrate what they learned.
While these Listening Circles are not a panacea to heal our divisions overnight, they represent something increasingly rare and essential—the courage to listen in a culture that rewards certainty, speed, and judgment. Each time someone chooses curiosity over dismissal, presence over withdrawal, and understanding over defensiveness, they participate in the subtle work of restoring our shared humanity. These moments remind us that beneath our differences lies a deeper human desire, not merely to be heard, but to be known.
